


The Earthling's Guide to Thedas

by Totally_not_a_Weeb



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Helping, Modern Character in Thedas, Snark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-05-30 00:26:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15085037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Totally_not_a_Weeb/pseuds/Totally_not_a_Weeb
Summary: You there Earthling, are you a young adult who has gone to sleep in any place and has woken up in the fantasy land of Thedas, then it is best to read this work made by a fellow Earthling to help you survive your journey in such a country





	1. Chapter 1

Step One - Be sure of where you wake up.

 

This might sound simple and like it doesn't really matter, but this is of paramount importance. You have to be sure of where you wake up so that you know what to expect.

 

If it feels like you can do the opening of 'Aladdin' in the area, or if everyone talks with a French accent or speaks French, then that's a good sign that you are in Orlais and this means both good and bad things.

 

The good thing is that this means that you are rarely far from safety as the travelling groups of Chevalier, their version of a knight. Another good thing is that with your Earthling intellect (i.e. more liberal-minded ideals and ability to read) you could pose as a learned person trying to get to the University, this also works well if you are the type to not apply makeup as they view a lack of makeup as a sign of poverty or being a foreigner.

 

However, the bad thing is that you will be inevitably involved in the 'Great Game' which is basically the 'Game of Thrones', basically, be prepared for some sociopathic shit to happen in pursuit of power, or expect to a pawn in someone's chess game, second, be wary that the people of Orlais have some serious ego problems, especially among the nobility which would be cause for someone to try and run you through with a rapier. A third thing is that the class divide or the divide between the Chantry and the University is not something you want to be caught in the crosshairs of so just be safe and try to make yourself unnoticeable.

 

If the landscape looks like it's been burnt recently and everyone speaks with a North English accent, then congratulations, you're in Ferelden, I advise you to not see this as a good thing. The country seems to be a magnet for trouble given the Blights and over things. Though there are some upsides to this.

 

For starters, this is where some of the least cunty people are in Thedas, however, this does come with the side effect of the fact that most of them live on the road and most, if not all of them, also happen to be able to kill you if you look at them funny, so fair warning. It is also the most survivable location due to its generally warm enough climate and plentiful rain as well as some people who would be happy to take you with them for safety in numbers.

 

A few downsides are: you get to experience the joys of English cuisine (or lack thereof), the entire place is damp and generally unpleasant to be in and of course, there are bandits basically everywhere and I mean everywhere, the fact that there is so little nobility that survives and that it seems to be the epicentre for any bad shit tends to do that.

 

If it is permanently dark and feels like you are in a high-level D&D campaign, then I heartily advise trying to get to the nearest source of light because you are beneath the Frostback Mountains and your chance for survival is reliant entirely on how quickly you can get to Orzammar, one of the few remaining cities in the area. Thankfully, with your pale complexion you might be able to fit in, however, due to the fact that you are not tiny, you will still stand out.

 

A good thing about this is that there is plenty of room for you to hide and plenty of stuff there that is liable to the five-finger discount. However, good luck pawning off any of your cheap jewellery as actual gold here, believe me, the dwarves know better. That and I wouldn't advise taking up drinking here, even if you feel like drinking, the ale here is far too strong for you, I don't care how much you could take at a college party, it will knock you out. Though do take heart in one thing, the chances of you waking up there are basically nil and if you do appear around there, you will likely be armed and with plenty of stuff that can be pawned off in exchange for gold, that and there is loot galore.

 

If the smell of the sea is readily present and there is a lot of white stone depicting people in chains. Then give yourself a pat on the back, largely to check that it hasn't had a knife placed into it yet, you're in the Free Marches, what is basically a loose coalition of city-states that have no real semblance of unity and hate each other almost as much as they hate the lands that are not in the Free Marches, an attitude that is reflected in the people there. The cities there seem to have more mercs and armed thieves then there are actual peaceful citizens trying to live their lives, it can be guaranteed that even if you aren't being stabbed in the front or the back for what little riches you have, then you are being verbally insulted for being a foreigner.

 

If everything looks like it’s a bad acid trip or that it is trying to get you to agree to things that it doesn’t really understand, then it would be advisable to accept that you have woken up in the Fade, the good thing is that you will not be in any immediate danger of getting stabbed. The bad thing is that you will be constantly harassed by various demons trying to get into your soul and you will have to find a way out on your own, a task that sounds hard and is hard.

 

The rest of the regions do not matter in this chapter as the chances of you ending up in a place where nothing happens is worse than nil, you have a better chance of escaping a black hole alive then waking up in Antiva.

 

Important things to remember no matter where you wake up is:

  * Are you in civilisation or the wild
  * Always keep everyone at arm's length
  * They don't know about your country, so feel free to lie through your teeth about your culture.
  * Everyone is just trying to get by, don't be a dick and that should keep attention away from you.



 

Remember these important things and I can guarantee at least a fifty percent chance of surviving the first few days in Thedas.


	2. Chapter 2

Step Two: Living in Thedas

 

Since you have been teleported to this world with no discernable way out, the most important thing is trying to get comfortable in this world and your place of living.

 

It is advisable that you try to get yourself into the group that looks the most like the main characters as possible, this tends to be easy because the leader of the group tends to be the character that you spent a good hour or so designing and possibly trying to make it look like you, you narcissist. This can also be easily spotted by the fact that they are the most sarcastic git on the face of the planet and that they seem to attract people who want to kill them, just be sure to run into them on their way back from their quest.

 

What this will guarantee is several things, relative safety for starters, the second is that you will be in good company, third will be that there will be surprisingly attractive people surrounding you and most importantly, you will get free bed and board, especially if you can show off a desirable skill, like cooking or being able to sing or the like.

 

The downside is that you will be at the centre of every single major political event and the immediate aftermath, a second is that you will be forced to fight at one point or another so it will push you to your psychological and physical limits. A third thing is that it is almost certain that the most attractive people of your preferred sex will seem to gravitate to you, while this might seem like a good thing, it is actually a curse because the last thing you need to focus on when you are surviving is getting gifts for your partner or trying to maintain a relationship, but do remember "The Couple that slays together, stays together." so keep that in mind if you do find yourself in a relationship.

 

Another method is to find someone who is willing to employ you and let you sleep in the shop, this is one of the better options as it often places you in a safe place away from the road and it means that there is less chance of you being at the top of literally everyone's shitlist.

 

However, you will be stuck in a boring job and if you are in a named town like Haven or Lothering, then you should probably brace for something bad to happen, while if you are in the Free Marches, it is a good idea to make sure that your place of sleep is the most secure place as you can make it, even if it makes you seem paranoid, remember, healthy paranoia is a guarantee for a paranoid's health.

 

Thirdly, if you are forced into the position of the Main Character, then don't try and break the timeline with your Meta Knowledge, there is no harm in trying to prevent some things, but make sure that you don't have to rely on your knowledge of how everything happens as it can and will turn into a stone around your neck.

 

A thing that you need to do is to get your story straight, don't talk about coming from another world that is basically guaranteeing to get a small army of templars rushing you or getting any other malicious event happening. Secondly, take account of your accent, does it fit into the place that you are living in, if not, can you come up with a story of where you come from, if it does, still come up with a story as you will need to have a consistent story that you can use to lie your way out of things (your true origins is something that you should only share with your closest companions), though it should be mentioned that you need to make sure that your abilities match your backstory, if you claim to be a noble then they will want to see that poise, if you claim to be a bard then they will want to see your bardic ability, personally, the backstories that they will not check is 'traveller' and 'eunuch', as no one will doubt that you with your foreign accent and customs are a traveller and claiming to be a eunuch is something that no one wants to check. It would also be useful to have a fake name ready.

 

A thing that you should be ready for is the large cultural difference between the value of someone's life, while you might find your life to be valuable and you might baulk at the idea of killing someone, your opponents do not have such qualms, you should be ready to fight someone but very few of your potential opponents actively want to die, they want to be safe and go home just as much as you do and sometimes more.

 

Another thing that you should be ready for is the fact that your morals will not be the same as the morals of the world that you inhabit. While you might find the use of people as disposable assets to be deplorable or disgusting, not everyone will share this point of view, be more than prepared for people to use you and to throw you away as they will be more than happy to do so, as always remember that keeping someone at arm's length is basically your main method of safety, though I would advise being able to find someone who you can trust as there are some people here that would actually like to be your friend for reasons other than leaving you for dead in a ditch somewhere.

 

Another good thing would be to find yourself a place to call home, a good thing to do would be to make use of some of the more abandoned buildings, if the structure withstands you kicking it and you can make it secure enough, with that you would be able to find a place to let down your guard.

 

A further note would be that if you are going to lie, be prepared for someone to find out the truth and when it happens, be prepared for them to be angry. This may sound obvious, but it would be best to prepare yourself for that, remember the longer you lie, the angrier they will be, it is advisable that you make sure that you sprinkle in some half-truths or some actual cases of omission of a few words into your lies to make them more believable and to give you some leverage.


	3. Chapter 3

Step Three - Combat

 

The fact that death is inevitable is well known and in Thedas it is even more relevant, considering the fact that almost everyone seems to fight.

 

In this chapter, you shall be given a brief summary of how to survive most combat engagements, note that this is theory so not all of it will be applicable to your situation.

 

Part One - Your Weapon. Your weapon is an important part of how you are to survive an encounter, the average person would personally go for a longsword, a bow or the biggest piece of metal that they can find. Precisely none of these options without thought are a good idea for long-term survival.

 

The bow and arrow is a poor idea for a random weapon to pick up because of the fact that such a weapon requires a lot of training to be accurate with it and it takes a certain amount of skill to do this accurately in combat and at close range. While a crossbow might seem like a better idea, due to the fact that there is very little training required to be accurate, the time it takes for this to be reloaded does mean that it is more of a secondary weapon when compared to the bow which can be fired quickly.

 

The best idea would be to find a sword or weapon that suits our height and build, which might be a longsword, but remember the fact that most longswords were historically used as two-handed swords due to its weight,  swords are heavy things so it would be wise to treat it as such. The classic 'Sword and Board' is as always a good fall-back option as it hard to go wrong with such an option, though bear in mind, this is assuming that you have not received training in how to use weapons, in which case make use of the weapon that you have training in.

 

Step Two - Armour. Now the armour is almost as important as your weapon when it comes to combat, most people prefer to go for the largest suit of plate armour that they can find and while it does seem like a good idea, it is not the best as plate armour limits your movement and it makes you walk everywhere in clanging footsteps, it is also heavy as all hell so it will slow you down and make you tired.

 

With this case there is no real 'right' answer, some people will be better with lighter armour made of hide, others will actually work well with plate armour, I personally work best with good-old-fashioned chainmail due to its mix of both speed and protection.

 

Though one thing that is non-negotiable is a helmet while it might look stupid and I agree with you, it kinda does, it would be best if you do wear one, no one wants to die because they fought that their helmet was stupid or because they wanted to feel the wind rushing through their air.

 

Step Three - Your Party. Hopefully, by the time you get yourself in a situation that calls for violence, you would be best served by gathering up a group of friends who also have weapons, armour and maybe some training. The best composition for a party does not rely heavily on one certain aspect of combat, you want a mix that can cut through problems, deal with problems by pinning them down and using magic to keep everyone else alive.

 

While it might seem like a good idea to gather as large a group as possible for when you battle so that you can drown your opponents under the bodies of your dead, it is not advisable. An advisable tactic would be to make use of small skilled numbers of friends as a larger number only is useful in open areas where the enemy can't use a choke point to nullify your numerical advantage. While a smaller number might leave you more open to being surrounded, careful command of a party might be able to avoid such a situation.

 

Part Four - Honour. For being seen as such an honourable pastime, there is little in the way of honour to be found in the battlefield, most are trying to kill you and live another day, most are more than ready to break the rules of honour in order to make sure that they survive another day, or that you don't.

 

Though saying that, it is advisable that you prepare for someone to break the rules of honour, some will actually abide by these rules, so it is advisable that you keep a policy of only breaking it when someone else does, with that you keep something of a good reputation and you survive another day.

 

Step Five - Retreating. No one likes retreating, its true, it leaves a bitter taste in one's mouth and makes you look weak. But it is inevitable that you will have to quit the field at some point, what you need to do is be able to recognise when you should retreat.

 

A sign that you need to retreat is when you are starting to lose a battle, what is meant by this is not to retreat the second the battle turns against you, but to instead be prepared to give up ground when the tide has turned and the enemy is starting to make strides against you.

 

Another sign of when you need to retreat is when the enemy is starting to flank you, getting flanked is not a fun time for you and your party, it is a good thing to be able to spot when you are being flanked and knowing to run away.

 

While it may be shameful to retreat and may cause you to cast doubts on your ability, it is important to remember that "Discretion is the better part of Valour" which is a nicer way of saying that one should pick their battles and avoid dangerous situations.

 

Step Six - Killing. This should be obvious in any conversation about combat, but it is inevitable that you are going to kill someone, this is not easy for anyone, even the sociopaths amongst us has some difficulty with this.

 

Unfortunately, there is no real advice that I can offer on how to deal with it, psychology is not my forte, I personally dealt with it by not looking my opponents in the face and trying to remember the names of those I killed.

 

Fortunately, I can offer some other advice, people are the frailest thing in Thedas, it only takes one good strike to end someone's life. The weak points are the abdomen, the upper chest around the lungs and heart area, the neck and the head, additionally, the hand contains many blood veins, so a good strike there would be enough to incapacitate an opponent.

 

Just remember the five steps of combat and try to keep safe out there in Thedas.


	4. Chapter 4

Step Four - Races and Relations

Perhaps the word 'Races' is not the most accurate term and species would be more accurate, but for the purposes of this guide, the term 'races' shall be used, as that is what everyone in Thedas uses as well.

The people of Thedas can be broadly divided up into four large groups:

  * Humans
  * Elves
  * Dwarves
  * Qunari



These four groups have distinct physical features that easily identify them and to everyone.

the Humans are easy to identify, rounded ears, normal proportioned features and, in most cases, the race that Earthlings are part of (with a few exceptions), humans are found over the entire world in Thedas and tend to be the dominant race in most of the societies. The differences between the different nations in this world and the fact that they speak different languages can often mean that they are more divided than the elves and the dwarves.

 

The Elves are just about what you'd expect from Elves in a fantasy setting, taller than humans, pointy-eared and really lithe figures. They can be divided into two main categories, the City Elves and the Dalish

The City Elves, as the name suggests, are elves that live in the alienages in human cities and are basically treated as second class citizens, typically finding work as servants (in Thedas, at least) and slaves (In basically every other country with some minor variations), generally speaking, they try to keep to themselves and try to keep their head out of the way of the wrath of the human guardsmen or nobility who can basically decide their fate on a whim. Outside of the alienage, they can be found performing menial tasks for a low amount of pay (lower than humans) and generally being the errand boy/girl of most businesses.

The Dalish are elves that live out in the woods living nomadic lives and trying to retain their lost culture and lore (though with the fact that most conversations take place in common with words in Elvish randomly slotted in can make talking to them irritating at best), these elves are fearlessly protective of their own kind, often known to kill humans who wander too close to their camps, and also remarkably racist (they tend to refer to humans as 'shem', which is short for their word for 'quick children') generally speaking they are a proud, if rather xenophobic, lot.

 

The Dwarves are a group that does not require much introduction, you know them, you love the greedy bastards, they're short, they have seemingly limitless amounts of minerals and they like to dig and live underground. Though there are some variations from the standard dwarf archetype that many are familiar with. They are incapable of performing magic due to the fact that they have no connection to The Fade.

Their society is slipt up into rather stringent castes, at the top of the castes, there is the noble caste, who are in the middle, there are the warriors, smiths, miners, artisans and merchants, who do what the expected tasks that you would expect from the caste name, at the lower end of the caste system, there are the servants, who perform work that many would consider menial but they take great pride in, and at the direct bottom of the caste system are the "Casteless" and the Surface Dwarves, these are dwarves that are considered to be in a state of exile from their own society and are unable to take up work that other dwarves can do and as such, in their society, are left to either beg or steal to survive.

There are of course ways to break the castes, one of the easiest is the most predictable and that is gold digging/marriage, marrying into a higher caste family can actually increase one's status. There is doing great deeds and there is being a Paragon which basically means that you have discovered something of note, though it doesn't really happen all that often.  
The dwarves can also be identified via sound, this is because they speak with American accents which is certainly something that one needs to get used to after a while.

 

The Qunari are the most outlandish of all of the races, they can be described as a white-haired metallic-skinned race of giants, they also tend to have large horns which make them reminiscent of Tieflings in D&D. Though there is a rare variant of Qunari that are born without horns they tend to be given more prestigious roles within Qunari society.

The primary symbol used to represent the Qunari as a people is the House of Tides icon, meant to signify the inevitable triumph of the Qun (their set of moral guidelines). It symbolizes the Qunari triumvirate, the three pillars which govern all of Qunari society through its three primary leaders in all matters of body, mind, and soul.

  
Though it should be noted that you will rarely see Qunari outside their own lands as they tend to keep to themselves, those that you do have left the Qun or those that are ambassadors.


End file.
